Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Dear Leader has decreed that the history of Operation Bagration (the second tine of a Devils pitchfork campaign to win the coveted PA West Men's Over 30 1st Division Championship), BE STRICKEN FROM HISTORY! This justifiable and necessary action was taken to counter the travesty that took place on the pitch in TDFC's loss to CT United. The entire game was wrought with imperialistic shenanigans, violations of internationally recognized norms, and fifth column activity. So with great insight the Dear Leader has chosen to wipe out all mention of this affair and instead has directed The Ministry of Truth to celebrate all things "Dear Leader".
The "Dear Leader" stands at 6 feet 12 inches tall and has an intellect to match his glorious height.
The "Dear Leader" descended (along with his testicles) from a nonexistent place called heaven, and because of his divinity and charm, he is the true opiate of the masses.
The "Dear Leader" is both a barrister and an attorney, and has resolved many a legal case with his sharp intellect.*
The "Dear Leader" recently played for the English National team but refuses to be recognized for this accomplishment as the English National team is a fascist organization run by a Mussolini-esque manager.
The "Dear Leader" remains an excellent golfer, though since his first outing has refrained from playing in order to give others a chance to win (his first outing produced multiple holes in one and 38 under par).
The "Dear Leader' is the worlds tallest midget and not surprisingly, a committed Manchester United fan.
The "Dear Leader" once a year picks one team to banish to the third circle of the proverbial hell (also known as League One), and this year has decided that team should be Ipswich Town FC, because the Dear Leader feels the greatest thing in life is to crush the First Among Equals, to see him driven before the Dear Leader, and to hear the lamentations of the First Among Equals.
*See the landmark case "We Have the Field Until 9:00 v. No You Don't, We Have It At 8:30.
Posted by Simply Red Scare Collective at 6:48 PM
All hail the mighty Tartan Devils FC whose quest to destroy imperialistic football took yet another great leap forward as it embarked on the grand mission to capture the PA West Men's Over 30 trophy!
To accomplish this grandiose pursuit, the Dear Leader devised a true Marxist-Leninist strategy that consisted of three operational plans: Uranus/ Bagration/ Saturn.
The first fork of the Devil's tine- Operation Uranus- went as the Dear Leader scripted. TDFC took the field against the baying din of the Opus dags from the Allegheny United front. The clock then beheld our Pub Heroes proceeding to physically, verbally, and spiritually crush the AU, ending their mass opiate pedaling ways for the season.
The first nail that began the crucifixion was hammered home when "Karl" Mac's PK found the back of the net. From there all the whine at the party couldn't stop the Devils onslaught, nor could cool Jesus change it into Ripple! The next nail came as Wayne "The MIG Jet", flew down the and fed a perfect cross to the Young Pioneer who finished the job neatly. A third nail came when The MIG Jet yet again kicked in the afterburners and shot a perfect cross into the twine. The superfluous forth nail came when Uncle Joe channeled the spirit of Stalin and purged all hopes of AU rising from the dead with a "Dom"inating goal. To finish off the Dear Leaders Uranus crucifixion plan, The Minister of Propaganda, Airwave Committee - Mark "Molitov" Madden- placed a verbal crown of thorns on Allegheny United' pony tailed Judas. The Minister tossed out bawdy witticisms that left the Judas fearing that he would be 'hamburgled' for his Thought Crimes!
Posted by Simply Red Scare Collective at 5:57 PM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Oh what a game it would have been Comrades! The valiant side of Tartan Devils FC symbolically sewing shut the gaping maw of the Tarnished Gold of Norwin (now hiding behind the jovial moniker, Yinz United). Instead the outcome can only be supposed, a cancellation, to the relief of the foe.
Picture the seasoned machine that is Tartan Devils FC, the gears working to the final result of victory: The Forwards, the ever onward rushing Vanguard of the Proletariat, rendering the opposing defense helpless; The Revolutionary Red Tartan Brigade Midfielders in transition frustrating all; the Iron Will of the Gang of Four materialized into impassable reality for vain attempts by the competition; and The Bench Mob- exactly that, ready and willing to overwhelm with understood purpose. And all the calm while, instruction and adjustment being sent in from the voices of The Party.
But not to be. Younger members of The Statesurmise the Glorious Pitch of Our Founders to have been sabotaged by a fairly new and nefarious organization of Scientology, their plans for controlling the skies with a 'weather machine', finally come to fruition. Elder Statesmen say it is a matter of happenstance and the campaign of the assimilation of states is an inevitable conclusion, merely delayed.
On, on, on to the Cup and it's symbolic glory! The bridges are burned behind us, there's waiting guns ahead! Into the Valley of Competition TDFC! Glory to the Party, the Pub, and the People!
Posted by Simply Red Scare Collective at 6:03 PM
Friday, October 16, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
All hail Com "Red" Jonny Burrell, the Impostor of Imperialists, the Crusher of Capitalists, the Engineer of Egalitarianism, the Bomber of Bourgeois, the Guy Who Played One Game for TDFC!
On Sunday July 5th this mighty soldier of the revolution showed his fellow Tartan Devils how the beautiful game is played. With every touch Red Jonny dominated the action; he scored goals, made assists, ran down the opposition, helped little old ladies across the street, did the hurty gurty, walked on water, and caused women to swoon. He so completely controlled the game the other team described him as if "Pele' and Jesus had a baby that was reared by Lenin"! Comrade Jonny was simply unstoppable and was obviously named "Proletariat of the Match".
Though it was not needed, the Dear Leader created an environment that was conducive to a TDFC victory by shipping his old (Comrade Mark), his porous (Comrade Brenton), his infirm (Comrade Fernando), and his insane (Comrade James) to the adversaries so as to confuse their level of play. If this was not enough, the Dear Leader also acted as the referee to make sure all calls of this unsanctioned match were 'revolutionarily' sound.
The tone on Dick's Pitch could be described as indeed friendly, with said comrades duping the opposers through Trojan Horse tactics of magnum proportions! In what seemed a gesture of true communism through player sharing, it was actually a testimonial (OPERATION: Jonny's Testimonial) to the Stasi operatives of the Ministry for State Security! The newly discovered country of Cranberry will eventually bow to the resoluteness and come to the understanding of the influential Nation of TDFC! The inevitable alignment of competing FC Nations into a union of Soviet Tartan Republics will no doubt be forthcoming. Through the revolutionary acumen of the MfS, the help of Red Jonny, and the grit of Tartan Devils all, the path to a glorious new day has begun! Similar fact finding missions have led to the defection of opposition eager to embrace the happiness and share in the rewards of the fruitful land of Tartan Devils F to the C! Hoo-rah to the Devils! Hoo-rah to the Pub!
Goals and plays were made by others, but only because Comrade Jonny willed them to be. He will be missed and TDFC as a whole will forever remember this 'Red' Tartan Devil!
Jack Megaw, Ministry of Photography
Posted by Simply Red Scare Collective at 5:34 PM