Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Empty Dispatch, October 18

Oh what a game it would have been Comrades! The valiant side of Tartan Devils FC symbolically sewing shut the gaping maw of the Tarnished Gold of Norwin (now hiding behind the jovial moniker, Yinz United). Instead the outcome can only be supposed, a cancellation, to the relief of the foe.

Picture the seasoned machine that is Tartan Devils FC, the gears working to the final result of victory: The Forwards, the ever onward rushing Vanguard of the Proletariat, rendering the opposing defense helpless; The Revolutionary Red Tartan Brigade Midfielders in transition frustrating all; the Iron Will of the Gang of Four materialized into impassable reality for vain attempts by the competition; and The Bench Mob- exactly that, ready and willing to overwhelm with understood purpose. And all the calm while, instruction and adjustment being sent in from the voices of The Party.

But not to be. Younger members of The Statesurmise the Glorious Pitch of Our Founders to have been sabotaged by a fairly new and nefarious organization of Scientology, their plans for controlling the skies with a 'weather machine', finally come to fruition. Elder Statesmen say it is a matter of happenstance and the campaign of the assimilation of states is an inevitable conclusion, merely delayed.

On, on, on to the Cup and it's symbolic glory! The bridges are burned behind us, there's waiting guns ahead! Into the Valley of Competition TDFC! Glory to the Party, the Pub, and the People!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Communism and Prohibition

Cold War Report, October 11

Victory Through Defeat! The Class(y) War continues!

In a hard fought match the Tartan Devils FC forced CT United’s black shirted baying sheep to accept a 1 to zero win. The decision of the State to allow the opposition to eke out a victory was based on pure socialist group thought. The Tartan Devils chose solidarity with the masses in the second division over “hob-knob jobbing” with the elites of the first division next season. In order to fulfill this self fulfilling prophecy, all that was needed was the will of the people and the masterful generalship of the Dear Leader. With his smoke filled commands ringing in their frozen ears, the "Red" Tartans marched onto the field with socialistic fever burning in their hearts!

The TDFC comrades fought for every ball and inch of the pitch. No greater example of this challenging spirit was the play of Eric the Red. Who hunted down every foe, followed every instruction, and placed a well timed tricky ball on net. With many commenting that due to his socialistic play, he should be called “Fred-Eric” Engels. For his efforts he is recognized as a “Hero of the Soviet”.

Another valiant player who showed the true signs of group thought moxy was Karl Mac’s play. It was an example to the entire collective as he directed all on the pitch and showed the iron- like nature of a man set on bringing down the bourgeoisie as he fought through fouls and poor field conditions. For his play he is award the honorific title of “√úberbringer Sozialismus unt Zerst√∂rer ein Brot Linie”

In a startling but yet expected outcome, the actions of Paul Pot earned him the “First Order of the KR Chapeau.” His mere presence caused the looser cannons of the upstart opponents to lash out in a truly imperialistic manner as Paul was able upset the elitist intellectual among CT United, goading them into poor decisions and penalties.

The volley of balls, while exciting outdoor, was trumped by the draw of the salacious volley indoors, an investigation has found. Details are incidental and the process of redirection has been initiated. An inside report has suggested that all visual records of TDFC have been left to the imagination. Borderline Thought Crime! The Ministry of Photography in acquiescence to the laws of the State, is being re-educated and will prove useful in the work camps.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Rust Never Sleeps

Dispatch: Ministry of Information, October 4

The Glorious Soviet Republic of Yinzerstan shout with victorious tongues! The People’s Team, the Tartan Devils FC defeated top of the table foes Allegheny United 1-nil. A cool grey day at the Field of Our Founders, proved to be as beautiful as the sunshine on the first day after the revolution!

A slightly compromised roster for TDFC proved to the benefit of all absent and present, as Comrade Alex DeLarge, Comrade Nando, Adam AK and Comrade Seth were more than a Gang of Four… they were a mighty IRON CURTAIN of defense! In between the pipes, Che James was a stalwart. He let nothing in (to the delight of Mr. Mckenzie) and directed with confidence from his citadel in the back.

The incessant bay of the wolves at the door was made into a whimper as the People’s Poet used laughter and his world famous Trotsky poem to draw the warmongering opposition into taking an ill advised yellow card. The foul committing AU counter-revolutionary will have nightmares for eternity as the People’s Poet verse runs through his head:

Today, I saw a dog,
Yes, a dog.
Talking to a pig,
Yes, a pig.
They were on the pavement,
Discussing Trotsky.
Not brotsky or crotsky or drotsky or frotsky.
But Trotsky...


The Midfield and Front were a constant rotating cast of revolutionary characters, including a good show from the Bench Mob. The truly collective energy of TDFC was realized and put into mock materialist proof by Comrade Brenton “Lumpin "Ain't Gonna Lump No More" Maclean” Wilson. Goalkeeper by trade, Comrade Brenton scored the only goal on the day with a willful guided blast buried in the upper right corner of the opposition’s net. The Dear Leader – nursing an injury – put Comrade Brenton on the front lines, not as a sacrifice, but in a grand sweeping moment of brilliance! Glory to the Dear Leader! Praise to Comrade Brenton! The Peace of Landru be with all!

This weeks Proletariat of the Match is a shared affair (tres communal!) – Keepers share the glory! Che James held them out at one end of the pitch, while Brenton (formerly) of the Lumpin put them in at the other end of the pitch! Power to the local Public House and all that it entails!

The ongoing investigation into the relationship between the Visual and Communicative branches of the Ministry of the Republic and the suspected collusion of the photographical branch of said committees with yet to be discovered division of 'actors' presents an ongoing look see.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

You'll Never Drink Alone

Ministry of Records, Current, September 27

DEVILS OF THE WORLD UNITE, the revolution continues! With each game the Tartan Devils march lock step toward the ultimate goal of egalitarian socialistic conquest. In order to achieve this goal and fulfill the will of the people, it is sometimes necessary for individuals to lead the collective by example. After going down 1 - nil to the grease greedy capitalistic soldiers of Mount Lebanon, the Devils needed such a willful comrade!

The Devil who chose to answer the call of revolutionary zeal was Tommy “Sickled and Hammered” Butler who earned Proletariat of the Match. By his actions he sparked his fellow comrades to fell the season weary dogs of the pitch. Fighting for every ball and not letting the opposition counter attack Tommy help inspire and set up the tying goal. The wise man of the midfield Ho Chi Neal was the recipient of the feed from the inspired, and after an impressive burst, then sent a perfect pass to the Young Pioneer. The Young Pioneer fired by the actions of his fellow comrades buried the ball in the back of the net with the poise of a MMA librarian.

With the goal in hand TDFC came to life as both the offense and the defense played real horrorshow! The defense held strong in the latter half of the game as the newly adjusted Gang of Four supported Che in goal. Their actions in turn led the midfield to be able to feed the hungry “Popular” Front 2 balls a plenty.

Though the TDFC was not able to break the stalemate with the Mt. Lebanon running dogs they were able to serve notice to all future opponents that the "Red" Devil Army is on the march! With guidance from the Central Committee (Mao Ze-Tony, the Dear Leader, and Commissar MJ), support from The Party, and inspired “vanguard of the people” play, the only outcome is victory and the achievement of a true peaceful collectivist pitch. As always: All Hail the People, All Hail the Party, All hail TDFC!

The state sponsored visual media blackout will continue. In scandalous fashion, the Ministry Of Photography is suspected of working with enemy 'actors' and is being held under suspicion for crimes against The State, crimes against The Party, and crimes against himself.