Thursday, December 10, 2009

End of Campaign Post: Operation Bagration, November 1

The Dear Leader has decreed that the history of Operation Bagration (the second tine of a Devils pitchfork campaign to win the coveted PA West Men's Over 30 1st Division Championship), BE STRICKEN FROM HISTORY! This justifiable and necessary action was taken to counter the travesty that took place on the pitch in TDFC's loss to CT United. The entire game was wrought with imperialistic shenanigans, violations of internationally recognized norms, and fifth column activity. So with great insight the Dear Leader has chosen to wipe out all mention of this affair and instead has directed The Ministry of Truth to celebrate all things "Dear Leader".

The "Dear Leader" stands at 6 feet 12 inches tall and has an intellect to match his glorious height.

The "Dear Leader" descended (along with his testicles) from a nonexistent place called heaven, and because of his divinity and charm, he is the true opiate of the masses.

The "Dear Leader" is both a barrister and an attorney, and has resolved many a legal case with his sharp intellect.*

The "Dear Leader" recently played for the English National team but refuses to be recognized for this accomplishment as the English National team is a fascist organization run by a Mussolini-esque manager.

The "Dear Leader" remains an excellent golfer, though since his first outing has refrained from playing in order to give others a chance to win (his first outing produced multiple holes in one and 38 under par).

The "Dear Leader' is the worlds tallest midget and not surprisingly, a committed Manchester United fan.

The "Dear Leader" once a year picks one team to banish to the third circle of the proverbial hell (also known as League One), and this year has decided that team should be Ipswich Town FC, because the Dear Leader feels the greatest thing in life is to crush the First Among Equals, to see him driven before the Dear Leader, and to hear the lamentations of the First Among Equals.

*See the landmark case "We Have the Field Until 9:00 v. No You Don't, We Have It At 8:30.

End of Campaign Post: Operation Uranus, October 25

All hail the mighty Tartan Devils FC whose quest to destroy imperialistic football took yet another great leap forward as it embarked on the grand mission to capture the PA West Men's Over 30 trophy!

To accomplish this grandiose pursuit, the Dear Leader devised a true Marxist-Leninist strategy that consisted of three operational plans: Uranus/ Bagration/ Saturn.

The first fork of the Devil's tine- Operation Uranus- went as the Dear Leader scripted. TDFC took the field against the baying din of the Opus dags from the Allegheny United front. The clock then beheld our Pub Heroes proceeding to physically, verbally, and spiritually crush the AU, ending their mass opiate pedaling ways for the season.

The first nail that began the crucifixion was hammered home when "Karl" Mac's PK found the back of the net. From there all the whine at the party couldn't stop the Devils onslaught, nor could cool Jesus change it into Ripple! The next nail came as Wayne "The MIG Jet", flew down the and fed a perfect cross to the Young Pioneer who finished the job neatly. A third nail came when The MIG Jet yet again kicked in the afterburners and shot a perfect cross into the twine. The superfluous forth nail came when Uncle Joe channeled the spirit of Stalin and purged all hopes of AU rising from the dead with a "Dom"inating goal. To finish off the Dear Leaders Uranus crucifixion plan, The Minister of Propaganda, Airwave Committee - Mark "Molitov" Madden- placed a verbal crown of thorns on Allegheny United' pony tailed Judas. The Minister tossed out bawdy witticisms that left the Judas fearing that he would be 'hamburgled' for his Thought Crimes!

The victory allowed TDFC to move to the next step of the Dear Leader's operational plan: Bagration!